FAIR IS FOUL; FOUL IS FAIR: A Clem MacDougall Adventure, Take IV

IV. AND NOW THE HURLYBURLY'S DONE.... By the time the hearing had ended, Clem MacDougall’s checkbook was empty and so was his bank account. Marty Goniff had persuaded the court that Doctor Weingarten’s alimony obligation should terminate at once. Somehow he’d found out about a little three-million-dollar inheritance from Gladys’s Uncle Drosselmeyer which Clem MacDougall thought he’d hidden so well even God and the Internal Revenue Service (which is, after all, God’s agency on earth) couldn’t find it. “Mr. MacDougall,” Judge Virago had roared in her dreaded Voice of Thunder before dismissing the litigants, “I find it inexcusable that you and your client have failed to inform this court of the recent changes in your client’s economic position.” She paused to make certain the court stenographer had noted every word. “Accordingly, I am ruling in favor of Doctor Weingarten on his motion.” The gavel fell with the finality of a coffin lid. “And, Mr. MacDougall, I am fining you another one hundred dollars. My law clerk is reporting this matter to the Ethics Committee of the State Bar Association. This court is extremely disappointed in you. That is all, gentlemen. This court is adjourned.” Marty Goniff smirked like a chimpanzee as he ushered his client from the courtroom.

***

Gladys Weingarten’s mouth was not the only oversized thing about her. As Gladys Garfinkel, she’d captained the women’s 1955 state-champion water polo team at Excelsior State University. Alumni from the classes of ‘54, ‘55 and ‘56 still cherished the legend of Gladdy Garf, The Mad Water Buffalo. Only swift action by the referees and first-aid teams had prevented her from drowning her opponents on three separate occasions. “You’re fired, MacDougall, you schmuck!” Gladdy Garf Weingarten seemed to expand like a blowfish as she settled into the rhythm of her anger while they walked from the courtroom. “Please, Mrs. Weingarten . . .” Clem MacDougall put his finger to his lips. “This is a courtroom . . .” “Shut up! Shut up, you worthless Scotch schlemiel! You’re fired, I say! Fired! You’re fired, you’re not getting paid, and I’m suing your worthless ass. How do you like that? You schmuck. You unbelievable schmuck.” She had begun to cry, and torrents of tears had reduced her makeup to something that looked like scrambled bread mold. She snorted and snuffled in a way that reminded Clem MacDougall of a Baldwin steam locomotive pulling fifty loaded hopper cars up a grade in the Excelsior Mountain coal fields. A uniformed sheriff’s deputy tapped Clem MacDougall on the shoulder. “Excuse me, counselor. Judge Virago wants to see you in chambers. Right now, counselor. Something about contempt of court for failure to restrain your client from making unseemly outbursts and offending the dignity of the court. She said to bring your checkbook, counselor.” Clem MacDougall pulled out his checkbook and opened it. No more checks. No more money. He turned back to Gladys Weingarten, but all he saw was the back of her floor-length mink coat as she disappeared around the corner. But he noticed something. . . Wait a moment. That’s her, right enough. Naebody else wad wear a coat like that, but that long white braid doon her back. . . And all those weeds tangled up in it. . . Gladys Weingarten’s hair isnae white. It’s red. Red right out of a bottle, it is . . . . “Uncanny,” Clem MacDougall muttered to himself as he turned to walk the long walk to Judge Virago’s chambers. “Most uncanny. Looked like a witch from behind. A witch in a floor-length mink coat? Uncanny it is. Just a bad dream, eh?” As he studied the huge polished wood doors and the brass plate engraved

HON. PRUNELLA JANE VIRAGO President Judge Green County Circuit Court Family Division

Clem MacDougall thought of the gateway to Dante’s Inferno . . . or at least Jurassic Park. He spoke to the deputy who was accompanying him. “D’ye suppose the guid Judge accepts Master Card?” The deputy shrugged. And to himself: “And now the hurlyburly’s done. Now the battle’s lost and won.”

AND SO MacDOUGALL RETIRES TO LICK HIS WOUNDS AND BILL SOME CLIENTS.